[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
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I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Smile Twitter, Smile.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.