[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
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So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
How times have changed.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.