Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
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No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy