People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
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I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.