A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
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“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
why would tinder want me to say this
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
ibopfufen
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School