Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
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Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
the three genders
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
they finally got him. they got macavity
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.