Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
You Might Also Like
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing