[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
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I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
How do you like your Corgi?
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.