My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
You Might Also Like
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.