cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
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‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Me too 😆
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk