A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
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Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Yes my dude
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
translated into Canadian