BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
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my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
rapatouille
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”