what the hell pray for carter everyone
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I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
*jazz hands*
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple