Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
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My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
got so much cardio in today
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep