I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
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every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..