Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
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I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Sing it!
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.