Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
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can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
i prefer mine room temperature.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!