Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
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“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Forever 21… pounds overweight
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.