I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
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hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look