Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
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I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”