huge if true: the moon
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Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
The three genders
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
yeah 😭
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?