My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
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If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
*pokes sex life with a stick
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.