Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
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My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
My work here is don’t.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!