Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
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Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
the council will decide your fate
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Me trying to “trust the process”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
My first son he is wonderful
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.