Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
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If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
😩😩😩
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.