Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
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A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
it must be school picture day
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story