I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
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I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.