I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
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ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
how long have you had this for?
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.