Roadkill is just a goth zoo
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If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.