Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
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Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.