*eats only grass-fed donuts
You Might Also Like
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?