When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
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I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.