When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
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Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe