Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
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Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Had a spot of bother earlier.