You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
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“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Morning.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron