Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
You Might Also Like
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.