“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
You Might Also Like
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you