They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
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My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Breaking news:
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.