I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
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COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.