Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
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[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Life hack
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
I have so many questions.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.