Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
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Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole