Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
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Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Sniffing the broccoli
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…