Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
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Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.