Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
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Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Ape together strong
choose your gary
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.