“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
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Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats