Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
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wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
do u think theres a butter planet?
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
life finds a way
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?