I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
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Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
liiiiiiiiike
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem