So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 馃槙
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Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
I just found a gray hair and I鈥檓 shocked this past year only gave me the one
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It鈥檚 like you can鈥檛 even enjoy your own joy.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Here we go again. #MAsnow 鉂勶笍
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Salesperson: Hi ma鈥檃m can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes