Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
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*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
You had me at “define legal”.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back