Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
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I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted